My mouth isn’t connected to my brain or my brain isn’t connected to my mouth.

I just can’t seem to get out what I want to say when I want to. My brain want work quick enough to get the words out, then I feel pressured to get out what I’m trying to say because the other person is looking at me waiting to hear what I have to say. Boy that was a mouthful.

I’m feeling constantly tied, no energy and getting headaches. I’m starting to feel irritable.

Waiting on blood results, but I know I’m due for Testosterone (my happy hormone).

From: travel@xxx.org

Name: Tim Hxxxxxx

I see my wife disappearing into a black cavernous hole of anger one minute and sweet brightly lit lady who I love very much the next.

How the hell do I keep the light on?

Tim Hxxxxxx

—–Original Message—–

From: Eric Hxxxxxx

Sent: Saturday, 21 November 2009 2:35 AM

To: Peter and Linda Butler

Subject: Menopause Input

I desperately need to read more about this. I survived 15 years with a bipolar ex and now I run into this! Like you said, “OK God, why are you doing this to me?”

Eric Hxxxxxx

HELP!!!! My wife is 49 and despite her denial (to me but not others) is showing all the signs of menopause.

She went from loving passionate partner to don’t touch me, I don’t know you any more, I am not interested in what you think.

The mood swings are hard to cope with one moment I have my old partner back the next I am with this stranger.

The other night she said she was hot so opened all the bedroom windows, it was blowing a gale outside and the curtans were just about horizontal. I suggested we might compromise only to be told I was selfish. I ended up sleeping on the couch so I did not freeze to death. As for intimacy of any kind forget it.

I have read everything I can to better understand the issues and when I told her she said I was obsessive,not thank you for caring. In someways it’s a bit like having another teenager in the house but more intense.

I was surprised at the lack of internet sites to assist men understand menapause from a man’s perspective, either educational or lighthearted. Yours is the only one I have found.

I note you are putting an E book together but If you are still developing the site maybe an online support group from men would also be a great help. It would also provide lots of material for your book. I also couldn’t find any info from a womans perspective,about relationship issues there is lots about symptoms but not a personal perspective from a woman.

This is doing my head in I think its time for the mens shed therapy session.lol

davidb

From: william.sxxxxx@snet.net

Name: William Sxxxxx

Comments: This is a greatly needed area of research. Especially the part about men understanding and dealing with menopause.

There is so little written on the subject from the male’s point of view. Good luck.

William Sxxxxx

From: PeteBxxxxxx@aol.com

Name: Pete Bxxxxx

Comments: I am not sure if you are looking for input from the male side but here is my take.

My wife and I have been together for 22 years. Some good some not so good but we’ve managed to weather the storm.  SO FAR.  To be 100% honest, there was a time I wasn’t sure I loved my wife and I wandered for lack of a better term. We got through it. I was just stupid and selfish.

To her credit she took me back and we became stronger for it. For a short while. My wife is going to be 46 on her next birthday. About 6 months ago I noticed a small but noticable change in my wife. Her moods, she complained about her period being strange in it’s occurances and the inevitable hot flashes.  Used to be that she was cold all the time.

I’d be hot but she would be cold.  Now it doesn’t matter.  I will be buried under the covers and she has them off asking to turn down the heat, turn on the fan, telling me to get away from her because I’m too hot.  She used to call me the human electric blanket cause she could snuggle up to me and get warm.

I guess snuggling is out now.  . Anyway, the mood swings are more frequent as are the hot spells.

Out of the blue this past Tuesday she told me that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she has let go.  Floored me, I’ve been a wreck all week.  I’ve known in the back of my mind that it could be “the change” and even mentioned it to her. Not a good idea. She flipped out, “how dare you she says”.

Then the next morning a hug and a kiss before I left for work but no words. Last night she was crying and I asked her why. She says it is hard to let go of someone. This morning, another hug and kiss before work.  This is turning into a very confusing time for me. I am madly and deeply in love with my wife. I want to help but I feel that my help must be covert and very behind the scenes. I am ordering a book by a gentleman named Paul Selinger called Men Surviving Menopause with the Woman They Love.  It is written by a man who went through what I am starting to see. Only I think his ended up in divorce.  Very sad.

We have two daughters aged 8 and 10. They are my life. I tuck them in at night and get them up in the mornings to help get them ready for school.  I think, no I know that my wife loves me but I’m afraid. Afraid of irrationality and maybe some sort of rash decision based on emotion instead of logic. I need help getting through this but more importantly helping her get through this.

Since I’ve never done this I feel like I am in total suspended animation. Don’t know what she is going to say or do from one moment to the next.  I know that some women breeze through it and some women have the toughest time with it. I’ve always sort of known that she would struggle with it, I just didn’t know how much.

I’m prepared to see this through to the end, hopefully a happy end. I don’t want my family to suffer from this and I need any help I can get from people, books or general education.

That is my story. HELP!!!

Regards,

Pete Bxxxxx

“This is a letter I sent to Dr cabot 12months ago in shear frustration and desperate for help.”

Dear Dr Cabot,

My name is Linda Butler, I am 50yrs old and I live in a suburb south of Perth Western Australia.

In July 2000 I had a Hysterectomy due to having Endometriosis my left ovary was also removed.  My Gynaecologist told me I had another 5yrs before I needed to think about Menopause.

The next 6months was a nightmare. I thought I was going crazy.  I finally went to a local GP who told me it takes 12months to recovery from a major operation and I should do some walking as exercise to help with the depression .She insisted that I wouldn’t be menopausal and I had to insist that she checked my hormone levels, so she did.

When the results came back she phoned me at work and told me to come straight in to see her as I had gone into menopause and she would put me onto the HRT. I wanted to go natural but the doctor insisted on putting me on the HRT, I refused and I didn’t go back to her. I began to try some natural creams to no avail, I wasn’t coping at all, I was an emotional wreck, my husband pleaded with me to go see another doctor to get some help so I did.

I went to another local GP he said I needed to be on the HRT, I was so desperate and my husband was warn out with me and i didn’t know were else to turn so this seemed my only option, This was at the end of 2000, I was put on Premarin 1.25mg till Dec2005, the dose was dropped to 625mg till June 2006.

Being on the HRT I suffered a lot with mood swings, Headaches, weight gain and finding it hard to cope with things.

I had visited my local Doctor who I had been seeing since 2003, and on many occasions I went to see her because I was so depressed and asked for my hormone levels to be checked but she would always say she couldn’t check my levels because I was on the HRT, she would always suggest that I go on anti – depressants! This to me was putting a band aid on the situation and I refused.

2006 I began to seek the help of a naturopath, She got me to drop my Premarin to 0.3mg  and the naturopath started me on estrogen tablets I then began to get lumps in my breast of which I am prone to as I have had lumps in my breast in the past even before menopause. I stopped taking the estrogen tablets and seeing the naturopath and continued with the 0.3mg of Premarin and after 6months I was cleared with breast lumps. After this I became very depressed.

In May 2007 I began to see Dr Margaret Smith, she took me straight off the Premarin and put me onto estrogen patches she had me do blood tests which showed my testosterone levels as being the lowest she has ever seen, my oestrogen was very low also.

She put me on testosterone cream and I had Estradot 50 patches. I was having blood test to check my levels but nothing was working the receptors were blocking anything getting through, so Dr Margaret suggested we try implants, she said this would last for 4-6mths, so I went ahead and things were great.

I felt great and I had no headaches, then 3 half months later I started feeling depressed again, my headaches were back, I phoned Dr Margaret and she suggested I try Livial as we were concerned about lumps in my breast she also said she wouldn’t be able to check my levels, she also suggested that i try them for 3months and see how I feel. I am on my 3^rd month and I feel like I felt when taking the Premariin, depressed, irritable, having mood swings.

A friend told me about Dr X who deals with hormones and uses natural products which I have wanted all along but it seems hard to find the right doctors.

I went to see Dr X on April3rd 2008 and after telling him my history he told me he could not help me, I asked why he couldn’t help me and he told me my body has been poisoned and I have gone from worse to even worse, from taking HRT to Implants. He said it would take years for the poisons to come out of my body and I asked how many years, he said 10yrs.

I was extremely distressed at this news and i asked what I should do now, his reply was that I will just have to keep taking Livial. This was all the advise he gave me, he never suggested anyone else who could help me and I paid him $150 to here all this. I also asked him if he had seen others in my situation and he said no. I feel very distressed and left with the feeling of doom and gloom and hopelessness.

I don’t know were to turn for help. I have read your books and I am very impressed. Can you help me?

God Bless

Linda Butler

Colossians 3.23

How ironic.

Sitting with Linda at about 9.00 pm last night showing her how to make her first post and the “communication channel” between us went static. Trying to revive the “line” and it just got worse. Must have been a “solar flare” situation because no matter what I said the static got so bad that nothing else could be heard but the “static”, we lost “connection”.

Linda had only just had the implants earlier that week and it takes a while for them to kick in. How frustrating! This time round both implants, the testosterone and the oestrogen needed a top up.

How do we know? A blood test is definitive, not open to debate or opinion. The levels are what they are, it is what it is.

We’ve been through this a thousand times before and sometimes we can rescue it. Other times it’s like we’re in a plane going into spiral dive and no matter how hard you pull on that flight “joystick” there is no recovery. Well, not until there’s a “crash” and harsh words have been spoken. Needless to say last night’s session was a disaster, no survivors.

Sticking with the sky and plane metaphor the silver lining in the cloud is I had a great nights sleep. Sorry my sweet, 9 hours, gee, must have needed that.

The flip side is Linda’s not a happy lass, she can’t sleep and looks like I’m up for a court martial. She’s still in bed and “just wants to be left alone”.

So how do I know that the hormones amplified the upset last night? Now, that’s not too invalidate Linda’s feelings or her own frustrations at me. I’m sure she has her own notes on this, probably more like a library actually.

So how do I distinguish between a normal upset and a hormonally driven upset? For every couple there are “tell tale” signs.

Whether you want to admit it or not there are “things” that only occur when there is an imbalance. Remember, my caveat on this is that I’m not invalidating the feelings – I say that for the ladies who may be reading this and may want express their support of Linda by throwing something at me. We both have our stories to tell.

Here’s the “tell tale” signs on this one. The house is spotless this morning! Absolutely glowing level of spotless! When I walked into the kitchen to turn the coffee machine on the kitchen sink dazzled. The bits and pieces that might sit on the kitchen benches are all away. The little pile of stuff I had on the table are in the office. The stash of stuff near the back door for the shed are in the shed. Everything is in its place, perfectly.

Now this is not to say that this is the only time Linda does a “major house spring clean” but it is one of the indicators of the extremity of the imbalance. Linda is incredibly organised by nature and keeps a very tidy house. I know how blessed I am, make no mistake.

Here’s the second “tell tale” sign. Linda doesn’t normally do house work at midnight and beyond. Go figure. So I suppose the second silver lining is we both love it when the place is spotless and to start your Sunday with a spotless house is great.

The downside is we have yet to “recover” and make our peace. This is where it’s like “walking on eggshells” for me.

What will turn this around?

At this part of the “rescue mission” one big lesson for me is patience. My nature is that now… “I’m over it”. I was annoyed with you then but the moment has passed and I’ve moved on. You annoyed me because whatever and I’m sure I annoyed you because whatever and so what. Stuff happens and I’m sorry for my bit so let’s move on and get the day under way.

But no! Doesn’t work like that, apparently! The patience bit comes in because Linda will want to express the total emotional journey for her and what she went through and… and… and…

I have no idea what God was thinking when he made these differences between us. Mark my words, I will be talking to him about this when we catch up face to face.

Anyway, so now the hard part. I have to soften and go in there and I have to acknowledge Linda’s feelings, endure the analysis of what went wrong, and how, cause that’s what has to happen when there’s a plane wreck, right? A full blown investigation even!

I don’t believe we’re doing this. Laying down the bones of our life and the journey so far.

At the age of 43 I had a hysterectomy and my doctor assured me that I wouldn’t have to worry about menopause for another 5yrs, WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

… for the next 6 months I thought I was having a major break down. And guess what? This was not a great  start for our first year of marriage. Where was I to turn ????????? The local GP’s are so quick to put you onto HRT treatment.

I have suffered for the last 8yrs and finally found what is working for me.

This site is to help others who are having a hard time be it the women herself the husband or other family members. (i am sure you will hear from my daughters especially the time i told them to take me out to the paddock and shoot me). We will be sharing with you how we have survived.

I’m not quite sure whether I’m brave or simply stupid but either way I feel like I’m putting myself at risk.

If you know me and see me in the street it could be embarrassing but I’ve come to terms with that and am prepared to take that risk. Why? ‘Cause hopefully even if this makes a difference for one person then it will have been worth it.

If you don’t know me… you may well not get the chance too ’cause starting this is like giving ‘self incriminating’ evidence so I’m feeling pretty vulnerable right now. Just give me a break please…

This is a big subject and a lot of people are affected by it… probably more are touched by this ‘phenomenon’ than will ever realize it. The incidence of marriage breakdown and divorce in the ‘baby boomers’ is high but who really knows the ‘real why’?

Is it just a time thing? After so many years it’s just time to move on. Is there really a 14 or 21 year cycle that we go through in marriage and it’s just a numbers game? Or is it a cycle of a different kind?

My belief is that it’s a cycle of a different kind. And it’s not just a cycle of menstrual change although that is certainly a part of it.

I’ll expand on this more in another post but for now I need to go ’cause “she who must be obeyed beckons”. (told you I was putting my life on the line here)